Self-acceptance

The thing about being as Aspie is that I have a tendency to follow rules once I have been made aware of them. So, the rule I was trying to follow is that I am supposed to do things (everything) very well because I have a lot of mental ability. Once I discovered the meaning of this mental ability, I got mostly A's in college and nothing less than an A- in graduate school (and not very many of those A-'s even though I took courses in nine different departments).

The rule about doing well also applied to my personal life. I thought I was supposed to be excellent in relationships and in taking care of the things around me. I thought I was supposed to achieve in my job and achieve considerably more than average in everything I do.

Who was I kidding? The problem was that this rule-bound paradigm blinded me to the places where I was having problems. I was miserable, because this rule was not working for me and yet, I could not see how to let go of the rule.

Asperger Syndrome in my experience is a set of abilities and disabilities. I can focus on things more than most people, so in some areas I can do much better than average. I am unable to intuit the things that other people can intuit so I do much worse than average in some areas. I am distractable in some areas, so I have a hard time getting work done. I am perfectionistic (that rule is a big part of that) so I have a hard time getting started in the things I need to do. I do not see a reason to do things like decorate for a holiday or spend a lot of time making something look nice. I have succeeded in superficial human relationships but have failed spectacularly at more in-depth relationships. I am creative. I have a hard time with follow-through.

Knowing a name for this array of abilities and disabilities has helped me to be more honest about what is going on in my life and it has helped me to accept that I am not able to follow the RULE. I have been more able to let go of things and to figure out ways of helping myself to cope more effectively through knowing something about the array of my abilities and disabilities. I become the most self-accepting I have ever been in my 47 years.